How to make your very own conspiracy theory

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Bones_logoThe internet is buzzing right now with rumors that pop singer Beyonce is a member of the Illuminati, a secret society that controls all the world’s governments and corporations and pushes to create a “new world order.”  Of course, Beyonce isn’t really a member of the Illuminati, because the Illuminati doesn’t actually exist.  then again, there’s something really magical about conspiracy theories; they’re pretty gosh-darned fun.  So here’s a handy little guide to help you create your very own conspiracy theories from scratch!

Start with the message and work your way back
Before we can create a conspiracy theory, we’ll need to know what our end-game is; the final message we’re compiling for the world.  For the purposes of this article, we’re going to say that our message is that governments and corporations are super evil.  It’s a pretty good myth, because it’s at least partially true in some convoluted way, and it plays to fears most people have.  Sure, people can argue that most governments and corporations aren’t evil; that only some people are evil.  But that deflates the fun, so we’ll try to stay as far away from those truths as we can.

Create your villain!
Next, we’ll need some super-secret underground organization.  Don’t worry about how easily someone could prove this organization doesn’t exist… we’ll come up with some pretty solid “evidence” to the contrary.  Let’s name our organization The Knights of Cydonia.  That’s the name of a song by British rock group Muse.  Guess whose going to be a part of the organization later?

The name you create for your organization needs to sound ominous and mysterious.  You can base it on something real, if you’d like.  For instance, the Illuminati actually was a secret society at one point.  The nefarious Free Masons also exist in the real world… just not as creepily as the myths suggest.

Name some celebrities and politicians
Next, we’re going to need a list of famous people to tie into our conspiracy theory.  We already have Muse, and I’m a pretty big Muse fan personally, but as a general rule of thumb, most conspiracy creators use people they dislike/ disapprove of.  Politicians and other world leaders are easy pray here, too, because their increased power makes the mythos more believable.

Keanu_Reeves_2012You’ll want to give your conspiracy theory some additional credence with the less-engaged, too, by going back into history to pluck some important, famous celebrities out of Wikipedia.  If you’re really crafty, you can even use some more obscure references, explaining who they are while tying them into your story.

So, for the group we’re inventing for this article, let’s say it consists of politicians like Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, and Abraham Lincoln, and celebrities like Muse, Led Zeppelin (a band that already has tons of ties to the occult and conspiracy theories), and Keanu Reeves.  Why Keanu Reeves, you ask?  Because it’s not like he’s been in anything else recently.  BOOM!

Tie it all together
This is a really important part.  We need to take our fictional organization and link them to our celebrities.  We do this by finding common strings of facts between all of the people we’re choosing to involve, then tying those strings together with the organization in the center.

Don’t worry about proving each individual’s membership in your society.  Just come up with some vague facts that link the individuals together, and/ or might link them to a society like that.  Obama, Bush, Reagan, and Lincoln were all presidents.  Obama and Lincoln both served in Illinois, so they’ve obviously been to Chicago, and Bush and Reagan both put on speeches in Chicago.  Muse and Led Zeppelin both did concerts in Chicago, and Keanu Reeves starred in the 1996 film Chain Reaction, where he played a student from Chicago.  So there you go.  The Knights of Cydonia are based out of Chicago, Illinois.

This works really well for propeling the myth forward, too, by giving people ample padding on which they can add to the conspiracy theory themselves.  Chicago is nefarious for its street and organized crime, and for corrupt politicians and police.  It’s the perfect breeding ground for new conspiracy theories, and the best ones always give people some room to participate and draw up their own connections.  It makes them feel smart; like they’re onto something.

Use some maths (even bad maths!)
Now we need to make the conspiracy theory look scientific and well thought-out.  But don’t worry, we won’t need to count up how many letters are in the Bible (3,536,489, if that helps your conspiracy theory creating efforts), or take a look at the periodic table of elements.  All we need is some really basic math.  And the best part?  We get to invent the variables ourselves!

The Knights of Cydonia are using  Slurpees to brainwash the American people.  We know this because there are 7 letters in “knights,” 2 in “of,” and 7 letters in “Cydonia.”  7+7 = 14.  14-2 = 12.  There’s one syllable in “knights” and one more in “of,” but four in “Cydonia,” so they want us to focus on one syllable.  One, from 12… 12-1 = 11.  This equals 7-11… 7-Eleven, the store where they sell Slurpees!

See what I did there?  I took some really simple math, and made it equal what I wanted it to equal.  And then you can find ways of tying the numbers “7″ and “11″ to our other people, too.  For instance, there are 11 letters in “Led Zeppelin,” and they had 9 studio albums, but their first one had only covers and their last one was put together from old studio work, meaning they had 7 albums.  7-Eleven!  Oh noes!

Go make some nutters!
Well folks, that’s pretty much all there is to it.  Making up your own conspiracy theories is easy, fun, and really exposes the more gullible people around you.  Have fun with these!  But if you use my method to make some conspiracy theory book that earns you millions, I want a cut!

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