Take it from a Zombie! Infants, bath salts, and athleticism

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Hey folks, Jimmy Z. here!  For our first-ever Take it from a Zombie advice column entry, we’re going to focus on some questions people have asked me this week about child-rearing, coping with bath-salt zombies, and how to be better at sports when bits of our body are rotting off of you.  Let’s jump right into this, shall we?

Question: My infant refuses to stop crying.  We’ve tried everything, and we’ve seen a number of doctors, but she simply refuses to stop bawling her eyes out, and I’m starting to get concerned about it.  What should we do to make her stop? - Jessica V., St. Louis, Missouri

Answer:  The answer to this question really depends on what sort of baby we’re dealing with.  If it’s a zombie baby, try feeding her brains from elderly people, and put them in a blender until they have the consistency of a smoothie.  If it’s a human baby, the answer should have been easy from the word go: eat her brains.  Human baby brains are effing delicious.  If you haven’t had them, you don’t know what you’re missing!

Question: I met this guy recently who was crazy high on bath salts.  He kept trying to pal around with me, saying we were both zombies.  But he’s just some stupid mortal with a drug addiction.  I’d eat his face off and slurp his brain down like a chicken popper, but I’m afraid of how all those drugs might affect the taste.  Should I eat this asshole, or just avoid him? - Sam A., Orlando, Florida

Answer:  DO NOT eat people high on bath salts.  It’ll have nearly the same effect as eating a sickly human suffering from a serious disease.  Not only do they taste sour, they’re also likely to give you food poisoning.  If you absolutely must eat the brains of someone high on bath salts, crystal meth, crack, or some other drug, try cooking the brain in lots of their own blood at 375° for 30 to 45 minutes.  Even then, you’re throwing the dice.

Question: Before I was bitten, I was a professional basketball player.  But since my transformation, I’ve really struggled to play the sport.  It isn’t easy dribbling and dunking when parts of your body are rotting off.  Any tips on how I could still enjoy my favorite sport?  Kobe B., Los Angeles, California

Answer: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your days of pro B-ball are over.  You can still enjoy the game in your free time, though.  My suggestion to you is to use as many Ace bandages and as much duct tape as you possibly can.  Also, avoiding fights with humans, because they’ll only chop parts of you off and make it impossible to get into the sport again.  You’re dead, so don’t worry about trying to exercise or anything.  It isn’t going to do much use to you.

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