Ever had to call a customer service line? Ever felt the need to ring up because your TV is on fire or maybe your cat has somehow managed to get jammed into your DVD player? Maybe you’re looking for a refund because you thought you were buying a Playstation 3 but all you got was a George Foreman grill (easy mistake to make). Everybody knows that being a reasonable individual when calling a customer support line or speaking to a member of staff in store is so last century. Being a friendly and polite customer looking for help is no longer cool, become one of those new hip power-customers. It’s all the rage these days, yes, it is all rage. But are you struggling to find the best way to berate the person who’s trying to help you? Not quite got the hang of throwing a tantrum? Well, that’s what this guide is for.
Never Read the Manual, Label or Instructions
Seriously! In modern society who reads? Pfft, manuals are for communists. Helping people how to use their product, what kind of socialist propaganda is that? The first thing you should do is throw that manual in the bin. When something goes wrong with your product because you’ve used it incorrectly or you’ve not read the label or you have bought the wrong item, you know what that means? You’ve got subject matter to shout about! You see, you’ve got to have a starting point. Shouting about nothing is good practice, but you’ll get nowhere.
Pretend to Know Better
That’s what the guy on the other end of the phone is doing, even if they’ve got the technical training and resources to find the facts, because 95% of customer service is just blagging and well, the only way to get anywhere to blag yourself! It’s all about out-blagging the guy on the other end; it’s the only way to get a refund! Is your mobile phone not dialling out? It’s clearly a faulty product! If the guy you’re speaking to says it’ll only work if it’s switched on, he’s a liar, you definitely need a refund. Of course there’s staff without technical training, they’re only trained on how to sell a product but they’re the best people to ask highly technical questions to.
Don’t Bother Reading the Warrantee or Other Policies
More socialist propaganda. Why on earth would you read the warrantee? Why should the manufacturer decide the terms of their warrantee? Why should a store decide their store policies? You paid for their product, so they should bend to your will. They should give you lots of free stuff too and kittens, lots of kittens. If your manufacturer, retailer or warrantee provider refuses to do this, well, tell them you’re going to give them bad publicity on your blog or Twitter account. Then they’ll send you a hundred litters. The internet sure does love kittens.
Misunderstand the Law
Who needs a solicitor or lawyer to tell you your rights as a consumer? This is important for when you don’t get your free kittens (apparently some people are impervious to Twitter threats), getting the law on your side is a big plus…even when the law isn’t on your side (remember, always blag). You see, lawyers, trading standards and any large legal authorities aren’t going to hold any organisations breaking the law to account, so it’s up to you as the customer to do that! Also, if you shout, it helps.
Have the Best Sob Story
The issue with people today is that everybody has a sob story, so it’s harder to get people to bend the rules for you. If you can make the other person on the line cry with pity, they’ll do whatever you want. The people on the phone are bleeding heart liberals, it’s in the name ‘customer service’, it’s all about helping people in need…damn socialists will just love it if you were some orphan growing in poverty with a lifelong dream to finally own your own high quality stereo-system. Tell them this: your mother used to sing with you in her arms as a babe, but one day you were plucked from her and taken away as she was brutally murdered by a pack of [insert customer support clerk’s social group] and have ever since been a lover of music in memory of her songs. That stereo-system, it’s the one you’re calling about and that agent saying it’ll take a couple more days to complete the repair due to complications, well…it just brings you back to the horrifying experience when you became an orphaned child. They’ll feel so guilty, they’ll empty their own bank account to help with the grief. If not, you can always insult them or start swearing at them.
Hear what you want to hear
It is better than listening to what has been said. If what you want to hear builds your blood pressure, even better! You see, when they ask, “Is there any accidental damage?” what they’re really saying is, “you broke it, it’s your problem, not ours, so deal with it”, it has absolutely nothing to do with trying to do their job. A reasonable person might say ‘no’, but getting defensive is the only way they’ll believe you’re telling the truth.
Your Way or Else
This is the real important thing about being an angry customer. Never compromise. Their policies don’t matter, the warranty agreement doesn’t matter, the law doesn’t matter or the fact there’s customers in line before you doesn’t matter, it’s all about what you want, even if it means slowing down the process of resolving your problem. It is better to shout and scream at somebody so you get your own way than listening and understanding the process. Why should they follow their company’s policies and the law? They should be doing everything you demand them to…even if that means sending a chimpanzee into space with only a can of soda and Mentos. If you don’t get your own way, swearing and even insulting the person helping you is the best way to let it all out.
And that’s all there is to it. Once you follow these top tips, you’ll know how to best that service, you may slow down the process, you may find you don’t get what you want, but you’ll definitely be able to compete in the angry customer event during the next Olympics and do your country proud.